he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
