Don't you send me to vm
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
