if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
