Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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