drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
