he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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