OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
