"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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