Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
