Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
