Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
