The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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