I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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