2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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