so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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