I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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