dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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