Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm gonna have a badass scar
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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