hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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