As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
