i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
