Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
