Your face is a jimmy john
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
