I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
