I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize