i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
