Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
