If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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