I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
