So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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