I'm passing your future prison.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
