I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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