Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
