well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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