There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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