I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
