some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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