Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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