i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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