so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
