my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Randomize
