just tell him i said nine months
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
