so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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