Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
