no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
