We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
