I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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