you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
love makes seman taste better
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
