god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
