the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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