Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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