you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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