sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
