If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He did a backflip because drugs
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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