Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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