I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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