In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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