Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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