Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
