i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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