There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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