If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
